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She DID IT! Wait…it gets better!
This gallery contains 16 photos.
She DID IT! Wait…it gets better!
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“There is no such thing as a long time. Only memories worth remembering and memories that aren’t.” (Sylvester Stallone This Is Us Season 2 Ep 3)….I felt such relief after hearing these words! A counselor once told me “Sophie’s been gone 2 yrs. It’s time to move on.” Excuse me??? As if 720 Days WITHOUT […]
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Don’t you see that children are God’s best gift? Every day with my children is a gift. I continue to cherish and unwrap each moment. Each day new, exciting, challenging and exhausting. I ADORE. My.Girls!!!! And even though Sophie isn’t in this image below, she’s included in all I am about to say, because she truly taught me […]
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As the nurses laid Lillirose on my chest minutes after she was born; every muscle was weakened and wobbly after her 16 minute explosive all natural delivery, I exhaled looked down on her angelic face as she lifted her head up!! “Gahhh,” I said. My arms weren’t ready to tense up yet. All the nurses […]
Abby tested positive for Lyme Disease, Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever and MTHFR@$!!@!!$?!! No I didn’t just swear but I could!!
Many have an understanding of Lyme Disease but have never heard of MTHFR. When I was 6 weeks pregnant with our rainbow baby Lillirose, I was informed that I had MTHFR; not knowing what it was, I became informed and still have lots to learn.
MTHFR is a genetic mutation that affects 40% of the population passed on by one or both parents. One major effect is that it inhibits the body from absorbing nutrients specifically Folic Acid and Vitamin B-12. These two nutrients are essential for normal hormone production specifically dopamine, healthy pregnancies in adulthood and a host of other issues related to health and wellbeing.
I knew it was likely Abby had one or all of these medical issues, since I have navigated through them myself and Lyme can be inherited through pregnancy. (I was sick when I was pregnant with her.) Vigilanty and suspicious, I have watched symptoms manifest and progress in Abby over the years. So we had her tested. Not shocked, but frustrtaed and extremely saddened by her positive results, I discussed her treatment protocols with Longevity Health Center. I could feel my heart racing, my flesh turn hot and my heart break. I sort of knew it was coming. So why does this information feel surprising and so awful?? Because it’s my Sweet Abigail, my firstborn.
My girl that radiates joy even through her trials and when her heart is broken by grief. Abby’s watched Sophie and I battle for our lives. Sophie won, I lost. Each day I’m realizing Heaven is far better. Personally, I think Abby’s battled enough for 10 lifetimes and she’s only 10 years old!!! I know what lies ahead, the dangers, the pain, the struggle and the grit she will need to endure it all.
Children with Lyme struggle more with the neurological effects than the physical ones. LLMD’s call Lyme the great imposter, it hides behind other diagnosable issues. A child can have one or a combination of the following, ADHD, Oppositionally Defiant, Migraines, Sensory Issues, Vertigo, Motion sickness, OCD, Autism, Tourette’s, JRA and Depression just to name a few.
Abby’s Lyme symptoms began when she was 6 years old. When her first migraine hit, it was violent. She was in the backseat of a rental car and began screaming “make it stop!” while banging and hitting her head. We made it to our destination and then the vomiting came. It was awful. She had never felt that kind of pain before and she has had migraines similar to this ever since. Instant, violent, awful.
Brain fog, Distractibilty and Hyperactivity have also reared their ugly heads. Especially the H….Over the past couple years, she’s complained that she feels she can’t control her behavior and speech. The D and brain fog play a huge role in her forgetfulness, mostly of personal belongings.
Sensory issues have increased yearly. Mostly, tags in clothing and certain types of fabric and socks she refuses to wear now. We just know what they are and avoid them.
Bone and joint pain have been significant as well.
None of these symptoms are considered “clinical” or crippling for her but they have slowly progressed over the years. She’s lamented the challenges and felt “off.”
God began preparing us last April as we began looking into homeschooling. Something Abby very much wanted and pursued. It was one of the questions Dr. Anderson’s nurse asked me, “Does she homeschool?” “Yes she begins this fall.” I said. “Good, because she will need the flexibility and rest during treatment,” she said. I then listened to the physical dangers to watch for…seizures topped the list. So a new race has begun, one I wouldn’t wish on anyone. I feel responsible and yet there’s no time for guilt.
We have hard work ahead…..this is not a sprint, it’s a marathon. I know, I have run this course before. God has blazed this trail. I have been prepared to lead Abby and I’m totally not a runner. Good thing she is!!!! The only way out…is, through. I’ve made it through. I’ve crossed the finish line. Abby will cross the finish line!……..just gotta set the pace.
Breathe ….Momma…. Breathe… Abby….
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My husband, Russ didn’t want to deliver Our Precious Miracle Lillirose but he almost did. I decided I wanted to do most of work of delivering of our “Rainbow Baby” at home and then proceed to the hospital for the actual birth. No anesthetics this time around…completely natural. Unfortunately, I was hospitalized at 23 weeks […]
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Saying anything about her truth has never been easy for Abby. She’s always been a girl who’s kept her thoughts and words under tight lock and key. I worried about her constantly after Sophie went to Heaven. I knew she must be thinking and feeling things, but how would she ever communicate her brokeness to […]
I am FREE!!!! I am FREEEE!!!!!
he who The Son sets free is free indeed!
But take heart! It could never be better to stay once He determines otherwise; if the loving hand of our Lord moves us forward, it must be best. Forward, in His name, to green pastures, quiet waters, and mountain heights! (See Ps 23:2.) “He goes on ahead of [us].” So whatever awaits us is encountered first by Him, and the eye of faith can always discern His majestic presence out in front. When His presence cannot be seen, it is dangerous to move ahead. Comfort your heart with the fact that the Savior has Himself experienced all the trials He asks you to endure; He would not ask you to pass through them unless He was sure that the paths were not too difficult or strenuous for you.
This is the blessed life—not anxious to see far down the road nor overly concerned about the next step, not eager to choose the path nor weighted down with the heavy responsibilities of the future, but quietly following the Shepherd, one step at a time.
Dark is the sky! and veiled the unknown morrow!
Dark is life’s way, for night is not yet o’er;
The longed-for glimpse I may not meanwhile borrow;
But, this I know and trust, HE GOES BEFORE.
Dangers are near! and fears my mind are shaking;
Heart seems to dread what life may hold in store;
But I am His—He knows the way I’m taking,
More blessed even still—HE GOES BEFORE.
Doubts cast their weird, unwelcome shadows o’er me,
Doubts that life’s best—life’s choicest things are o’er;
What but His Word can strengthen, can restore me,
And this blest fact; that still HE GOES BEFORE.
HE GOES BEFORE! Be this my consolation!
He goes before! On this my heart would dwell!
He goes before! This guarantees salvation!
HE GOES BEFORE! And therefore all is well.
J. Danson Smith
The oriental shepherd always walked ahead of his sheep. He was always out in front. Any attack upon the sheep had to take him into account first. Now God is out in front. He is in our tomorrows, and it is tomorrow that fills people with fear. Yet God is already there. All the tomorrows of our life have to pass through Him before they can get to us. F. B. Meyer
God is in every tomorrow,
Therefore I live for today,
Certain of finding at sunrise,
Guidance and strength for my way;
Power for each moment of weakness,
Hope for each moment of pain,
Comfort for every sorrow,
Sunshine and joy after rain.
So Far (A 3 min video begins this post. Simply click the words that proceed the parenthesis),
Sophie has spent nearly 3 years living in heaven. Her father, big sister and myself have been learning to navigate through grief. It feels like scaling K2. The new terrain is unpredictable, dangerous, terrifying, unfamiliar and complicates our souls. Radically our travels are transforming our family. We have stumbled upon courage, strength, perserverence, love and joy through the climb. However, our progress is somewhat stilted, our visibility is randomly obstructed and intermittently we loose ground. Travel guide authorities we have met while climbing have suggested that our climb through grief is not yet complete. “Completed? What? We’re not professional climbers, not even novices! We have an 8 year old in tow! We were chosen for this climb but we are totally untrained, uneducated and physically weakened by the circumstances and requirements of this task. We’re barely putting one foot in front of the other. Breathing shallow. Chapped, bruised, bleeding, salt water stings our cheeks. There are days we slide backwards. Reaching completion seems totally unattainable? or is it just unrealistic?”
I think our grieving process will never reach completion until our entire family is reunited, reaching our final destination, together in heaven forever. Then our climb through grief will be complete. Until then, navigating our climb through grief may be less intense, there will be moments of discovery, epiphany and success. There already have been so many of those miraculous moments and yet for us to have to climb each day separate from Sophie whom we loved so dearly, the word insurmountable comes to my mind.
It is not the *natural* order of life to bury a child. So I would have to conclude that climbing through the grieving process would not follow any *natural* patterns either. Certainly, there are opportunities to be transformed along the journey. Navigating with the pain. We *live* each day by the Grace of God. Yet, still there are days where we shake our fists and a whisper turns into a scream.
I turned to the scream of One Man who made the ultimate climb,
And at the ninth hour Jesus cried out in a loud voice, “Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani?”–which means, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”
Remembering the promise that was made prior to His last scream, “I tell you the truth, today you will be with me in paradise.” One day I will be in paradise too and HE has not forsaken me! We will complete our climb through grief, our reunion awaits! He blew into my lungs filling me with everything I needed to head for higher ground. Hard pressed and still learning to climb through the brutal terrain of grief tender hearted and incomplete. Until….
Regret: (emotion) an intelligent or emotional dislike for personal past acts and behaviors.
Regret, like a prowling lion seeking whom it may devour in our family this past Christmas season 2011.
It caused us to question every nugget of eternal truth we have hidden in our hearts. Everything that has brought us comfort and peace was under siege. Regret’s questions came knocking on the all the doors of our hearts. What if? Why? Why didn’t we? What about that? If only, I wish I would have…. All of us under the attacks of this unwanted predator regarding our precious Sophie.
This deadly assault ravaged the tender heart of our precious 7 yr old Abigail, the most. The constant prowling and pounding on the door of her sensitive grief stained heart was excruciating. Regret is difficult for any person to battle (we all have them and there is an element of responsiblity and truth in each one) but, for the constant assault to be waged very strategically on a child! our precious Abigial ….was just about more than this Mama could bare.
As Abby cradled Sophie’s most precious Christmas ornaments, an eternal living hope, spoke in truthful whispers.
I am always surrounding you, my Ab. I am glorified and healed. I am alive. I am not lost. I am not gone. Sisters are forever. I have no need of rest in heaven. We will be together again. I love you. Our relationship continues. The Father allows me to communicate with you through the heavenly-veil, remember our butterflies!
These precious whispers were accompanied with a fierce ROAR of darkness; it was attempting to extinguish the Truth and Light.
We prayed, waited, watched and listened as Abby continued to reach towards heaven and all its surrounding promises. Russ and I continued to remind Abby of the most important eternal truths that have become water to our souls; hope, heaven, love, joy, treasures, alive and forever. However, we needed God to whisper personally into Abby’s heart and bring to life every truth we knew Abby held dear, therefore silencing the predator of regret.
Christmas had passed, we packed our precious family ornaments and rang in the New Year of 2012. Hopeful, expectant and knowing in an instant this battle could end, healing could begin and regret would flea!
And as it were, God was near, rapidly working all things together, wasting nothing;
January 11, 2012
Russ and I tucked Abby in bed. We read a devotion together, here is part of that excerpt
Jesus told us that we should be generous with other people, but sometimes we don’t feel much like sharing. Instead the things that we have, we want to keep them all to ourselves. But God doesn’t want selfishness to rule our hearts; He wants us to be generous.
Unbeknownst to Russ and I as we concluded regret came pounding on the door of Abby’s tender heart. Suddenly, tears began streaming down her face,
“I didn’t share with Sophie. I didn’t know she was going to heaven, I didn’t want her to go. I didn’t share with her while she was here.”
an outpouring of regret…
Wide-eyed, I bit my lower lip to keep it from trembling, tears accumulated, my breath left me. I couldn’t speak. (Oh dear God! This is what she remembers? a fleeting moment of their time together? torture for Abby’s tender heart)
Russ, (the other half of my heart) very gently and calming spoke, “Abby, you are a wonderful big sister, the best. Sometimes, we don’t share when we are little. We have to learn how to do it. You are the perfect big sister for Sophie.” Abby looked at her father and said, “really?” He nodded and said, “and you know what Sophie would say?” Abby shrugged. “It’s ok Ab. it’s ok.” Upon hearing these words, exhausted from battling, Abigail collapsed into her father’s arms sobbing. Hearing, “It’s ok Ab. it’s ok,” words of forgiveness that Sophie would extend to her without hesitation in conjunction with the breath of God; freed Abby! Regret fled, questions dissolved and Abby fell deeply asleep, peace.
God wanted to highlight this moment of life giving freedom; exceedingly and abundantly for Abigail. He wanted eternal living and restoration to manifest itself to Abby in a tangible way. God wanted Abby to know her relationship with Sophie is different but, it continues in extraordinary ways; indestructible, incorruptible and forever.
So….4 nights later
January 15, 2012
Russ tucked Abby in bed. She said with utter confidence, “You tell me about any dreams you have about Sophie and I will tell you mine.
“Interesting Russ thought and noted…..not “If” but “When.”
That following night,
January 17, 2012
I woke Abby for school. She proceeded to tell me of a dream she had of Sophie that night.
I was at the dance studio with Samantha. We were working on stuff. Both of us, kept seeing bright twinkling lights shinning around the room. The light began to makes letters and spell, S O P H I E.
And then… I SAW Sophie, she was there dancing with us!
Then she gave me a hug!
“and I felt her physical body! I felt her physical body!!!!!” Abby squealed with excitement.
A personal visit from Sophie, in Abby’s dream! I cradled Abby in my arms and began to thank God for replacing regret with truth of every eternal whisper!
The truth is Abigail spent every moment of her time patiently teaching Sophie each one of her dance recital routines; while Sophie was on the earth. The precious gift they shared helped Sophie refocus her mind off the pain that Williams Syndrome caused her on earth. It united two sisters together before the Throne of God!
They continue to present their gifts of worship to God together, Abby’s dream confirmed it. One sister dances on earth and one in heaven, always together; bound by His promises, forever!